Black

     The end was near.  I was happy about that prospect and scared at the same time.  I was going to finish my year of mobility training with Penny Armstrong in Seattle.  She thought it would be a good idea to spend some time in a big city learning how to get around completely blind.  I lived in Seattle for four years so I was familiar with many places but there were also areas I had never been to before.  We devised a plan to start in the University District since I had spent a lot of time in that neighborhood.  Penny suggested we then take a bus down to Pike Place Market.  I had been to Pike Place many times but was much less familiar with that part of Seattle.
     I was pretty jacked up about this trip.  I had done well over my year of training in Olympia but I also had had some rough patches.  I didn't want to fail.  I didn't want to perform poorly.  I had a tendency to be really hard on myself.  How many people put on fully occluded glasses and try and get around?  I needed to give myself more slack at times but it was hard.  I want to be great at everything I do.  Who doesn't?  I'm always telling my daughters to go easier on themselves when learning something new but I had a hard time taking my own advice.  We were headed to the big city for what was to be my final exam.  I was nervous.  I wanted to knock this one out of the park.  Go out on top.
     The day finally arrived and we drove up to Seattle.  We found a spot to be dropped off by Penny's driver and she laid out the game plan.  She wanted me to take her to my 3 favorite restaurants in the U district.  The Cafe Allegro Coffee House, The Big Time Brewery and finally the Little Thai restaurant.  All three places were favorites of mine back in the mid 90's.  I put on the my 'blind' glasses and started out.  With my nerves at full attention and my heart thumping I navigated to our first detour.  Penny needed some cash, so she asked me to take her to her bank across the street.  Wait a minute, that was not on the itinerary.  But I can't say no to Penny, so I guided her over to the front door and into the lobby.  Penny and I chuckled as the Bank Teller gave me the opposite directions to navigate the velvet ropes that formed lines.  He would tell me to go left when he meant my right (his left).  I quickly figured it out and didn't correct him.  I followed his voice until I reached the counter.  I happily told him I was taking my friend to his bank so she could get money.  Not often a 'blind' person gets to say they led people with vision.  We thanked him for the help and he again led me out of the building with his vocal commands.
     We hit the street and I headed south to Cafe Allegro.  I could hear the cars at the street corners.  I could hear when buildings ended and the street opened up at corners.  I could hear when building had an awning above us to keep us dry on rainy days.  I could even hear when buildings had recessed entrances into their individual shops.  My cane guided me over surface changes and my ears helped give me a picture of my surroundings.  Most importantly my ears kept me safe.  I may not walk across a crosswalk straight all the time but I felt confident I would not get hit by a car because of my ears.  It was a fairly easy jaunt to the coffee house until we got close.  Cafe Allegro was actually in an alley and I knew Penny had her doubts I was taking her to the right location but I knew we were close just by the smell of coffee.  I heard some men go into a building but something was wrong.  I thought I was there but something didn't feel quite right.  I hesitated and thought for a second.  Unbeknownst to me the guys who were going in the building were holding the door for me.  A perk of being totally blind is not knowing when people are staring at you.  I moved forward towards the door not knowing they gave up on me.  While entering the doorway I realized it was not the correct entrance because it went one step down instead of up.  Too late!  My cane actually got closed in the door.  Uh oh!  I hoped the door didn't lock like many apartment buildings in cities.  I quickly turned the knob and it opened.  Whew.  Crisis averted.  I gathered myself and made a decision to move up the alley and try again.  This time I nailed it!  I opened the Cafe Allegro door and breathed in the pungent smell of coffee.  Finding a door handle, swing direction of the door or simply the door is hard when you are walking down a unfamiliar street or even somewhat familiar street.  What cues would you use to find the correct shop without vision?
     One down two to go.  We headed to what used to be my favorite brewery in the world, the Big Time Brewery.  Lots of great memories in that establishment and lots of great IPA's ingested too!  Along the way to the Big Time Penny felt the need to give me a heads up.  Penny was great at not giving me advice unless she thought my safety was in jeopardy.  Penny interrupted my gate to tell me people were camping on the sidewalk.   She described family size tents blocking most of the sidewalk ahead of us.  She even saw a sign on one of the tents asking people to keep it down because kids were sleeping.  A situation like this raises lots of questions but today was not the day for those questions to be contemplated.  I was focused on getting around this obstacle.  I had to navigate around the tents, street trees, parked cars and pedestrians.  I could not imagine what I would have done without Penny's heads up.  Trying to put a picture together in your mind with limited clues can be a real challenge.  In cases like this you would most likely have to ask for help.  I successfully made it around the campers even though my cane found its way into what felt like a bucket.  I really didn't want to know what was in the bucket.  I plugged along, crossed a street and followed my nose and ears to the Big Time.  I did pass it by one store but knew I missed it.  I stopped and retraced my steps and stopped us at the entrance.  I remembered the recessed tiled entrance and the unforgettable smell of hops.  Two down one to go!
     Final stop, Little Thai.  This place was close, just up the block and around the corner.  It would be easy to find the building but the restaurant was in the basement of a multi-story building.  We strolled up to the building and upon arrival I stopped to figure out where the stairs were located.  While contemplating my next move a man asked if he could help me.  "Sure", I responded and told him I was looking for the Little Thai.  He exclaimed happily that he knew right where it was and started to lead me there.  I had never been led by a stranger before and we were off to a bad start.  He was pushing me with his hand on my back.  I ask the man to stop and ask him if I can hold on to him instead.  He didn't resist my request and we are off to find the Little Thai.  He took me down the stairs and told me we were there.  I thanked him and he is gone.
     There is a science to being a Human Guide and it is simple.  The person being guided grabs the guide just above the elbow and walks a step behind the guide.  You also want your shoulders to matched up.  Probably the trickiest part of this endeavor is for the guide to remember he/she is twice as wide as normal.  Its not fun having a human guide walk you into a tree branch, a corner of a building or another person.  If those 3 elements are done correctly it works really well.  While being guided I can easily tell when the person changes direction or stops and I can also notice subtle changes in elevation because the guide's elbow will noticeably be higher or lower than me.
     Now I am standing near some doorways but something doesn't feel right.  I know the Little Thai entrance is inside a building and right now I'm standing outside the building even though I went down some stairs.  Penny can't help me here either because she is as confused as I am.  I go back up the stairs and try again.  While standing at the top of the stairs I hear a woman who was sweeping the sidewalk near us ask me if I needed help.  I tell her I'm looking for the Little Thai and she breaks the bad news to us the Little Thai is closed today.  "No problem", I warmly respond and go on to explain that we are training and just wanted to find the entrance.  Understanding the situation the woman offers to unlock the door that leads down to the restaurant.  I thank her and head down the stairs to entrance.  As we walk down the stairs, Penny notices the awesome salt water fish tank in the Little Thai.  Not only does that give me confirmation we are going the right way but it also gives me a full blown picture of the inside of the restaurant.  My 'blind' glasses may take away my vision but they cannot take away my memories.  I am a very visual person and I have a great memory.  If I never had vision my experience would be different.  Not worse, just different.  While walking around 'blind' in familiar places I get information from my surrounding through my cane, my ears, and my nose that help create a picture in my brain.  Even in unfamiliar areas I still get a picture in my head of what I am sensing.  The picture may not be accurate to what people with vision see but it is still a picture.  MRI images show activity in the Occipital Lobe of the brain in people who have been blind since birth.  With knowledge like that it makes me question what is really 'seeing'.
    First Phase of my final exam was in the books.  A couple of hiccups along the way but I felt good about what I accomplished in the big city.  I wouldn't say I was relaxed.  While navigating around 'blind' it feels like you are going for a hike on a trail that is 2 feet wide and has a 1000 foot cliff on one side.  You know as long as you stay on the trail you will be fine but your brain and body stay on high alert for the entire hike.  I've tried to relax during my training but was rarely successful.  Now we were ready to jump on a bus to Pike Place Market, but first I needed to eliminate some liquid.
      I knew there were public restrooms nearby at the University Bookstore so we headed that way.  I didn't know where the bathrooms were located in the building but found the entrance.  Entering the building a man asked me if he could help me.  I again accepted a strangers help.  My second of the day and my second ever.  He did a great job leading me upstairs through what felt like a labyrinth of turns and hallways to the public restrooms.  Once I got to the men's room door he said his goodbyes and I thanked him.  This was all new territory.  I had never used a public restroom with my 'blind' glasses on and today was not going to be the first.  I slid my glasses up on my head and took care of business.  Washed my hands and lowered the glasses back over my eyes.  A public bathroom sure seems like a tough spot to navigate blind.  Think about it.  Every bathroom is different in shape and size.  And I don't like germs.  Making wrong decisions in a public bathroom sure would seem to increase the exposure to lots and lots of nasty germs.  I pictured myself wiping my whole body and cane down in hand sanitizer if I ever had to navigate a public bathroom blind.
     I made my way out of the bathroom and out into the open.  I really had no idea where I was in the bookstore.  I really didn't pay attention to where I was going when the guy led me upstairs.  Uh oh, what am I going to do?  Finally a woman asked if she could help me and I told her I was looking for the exit out onto University Ave.  She took a different tack and stayed well in front of me so I decided to spice it up some and follow her voice.  Not really a bad way to go.  My cane would give me plenty of information of the terrain ahead of me and it was easy to follow someone's voice.  She got me close the the exit and I was on my own.  I thanked the woman for the help and suddenly I was back on the street.  Next up, the bus.
     I had to ask someone for help with the bus.  I didn't know what bus would take me down town and I didn't know where the bus stop was located.  A nice man outside the bookstore answered both my questions.  I misunderstood his directions to the bus stop and ended up going a bit too far down the street before crossing to the other side.  I didn't realize I made a mistake so when I approached what I thought was the bus stop I was in the wrong place.  I stopped and gathered myself and decided to head up the street a little more and that's when the yelling began.  "Sir, Sir, Sir please stop you are going to ruin all of my stuff", the woman shouted.   I quickly thought I was getting tangled in a homeless woman's belonging that she had put down on the street.  What else could it be?  She quickly explained that she was selling tiny fragile items and all of those items were laid out on a blanket on the sidewalk.  If she was not paying attention I would have destroyed a lot of her items with my cane and possibly my size 14 feet.  I told her I was trying to catch the bus downtown and she turned me around and walked me back down the street about 50 feet to the bus stop.  I had passed a group of ladies just minutes ago and wondered if they were waiting for the bus but did not ask because I thought I needed to go farther north.  Sometimes it makes sense to ask along the way.  Penny constantly worked with me to decipher all the information I was receiving while navigating blind instead of relying on one piece of information.  Vision is an asset that can quickly take variables out of the equation when problem solving.  If you can see you don't care if they place the cross walk button in a different spot on each street corner.  When you are blind it becomes a constant puzzle solving game.  I had a tendency to only focus on one piece of information in solving a navigating riddle and that would get me into trouble.
    I patiently waited for the bus and it finally arrived.  I waited my turn and asked the bus driver if this bus went to Pike Place Market.  The driver said yes and I asked if there were any open seats near the front.  The driver said a seat was available behind him and I found the vacant spot.  Listening on the bus with no vision is really fun, especially on full buses in a busy city.   So many conversations going on around you.  I have spent a lot of time on buses over the last 10 years and riding buses 'blind' was a highlight for me.  We slowly made our way downtown on the bus and entered the bus tunnel.  The bus tunnel ran under downtown Seattle so the bus stops really weren't streets but more locations.  I was getting nervous on which stop to get off and asked the driver if we were near Pike Place Market.  He said yes so Penny and I jumped off the bus.  Now which way?  I didn't know where we were since we were underground so Penny encouraged me to follow the sounds of people leaving the bus.  I took her advice and I made it to escalators.  There were several escalators to choose from to get me out of the building and I still didn't know which way to go.  I had to ask for help and a woman guided me up to the street.  Now which way?  Are you seeing a pattern here?  If it's a new place I better get used to asking for help.  If I lived in Seattle I would dial in my routes pretty quickly.  I could memorize where to go and listen for recognizable landmarks.  Penny saw me move around downtown Olympia fairly easily because I knew downtown by heart.
     I popped out onto the side walk and choose to walk down the hill because I knew the water was down hill from where we were after leaving the bus terminal.  Penny asked if I was sure after walking a 100 yards because the street numbers were getting bigger when they should have been getting smaller.  Another mistake by me.  Yes the street I was walking on went down hill but it was going to start going up hill after we crossed the street.  It wasn't a life threatening mistake and I would have figured it out when the street started to rise slowly.  We turned around and started heading towards the water.  There were a lot of people on the street and particularly a lot of people milling around just outside the bus station.  I swung my cane from side to side like I meant it and was ready to stop in an instant if need be.  I was walking with confidence and that usually meant people were going to get out of my way.  Look out!  Blind Man coming!  We crossed our first street and I started to freak out.  Not because crossing the street was hard but I heard construction up ahead.  This was not your normal construction work.  I had been involved with construction for over 20 years and I knew this sound.  Pile driving.  Each drive of the steel post cracked like the biggest cannon you could imagine.  I had no idea how I was going to handle this.  I try and take great care of my ears for obvious reasons and the decibel level coming from this pile driver was clearly enough to create instant permanent ear damage.  I was hoping we wouldn't make it close to the sound but that was like hoping it wouldn't ever rain in Seattle again.  It was going to happen.  As we approached the sound barrier breaking pile driver I covered my ears.  A blind person covering their ears is like a pilot covering their eyes.  Not only did I just take away my sense of hearing but I also lost the use of my cane.  Dead Man Walking.  The pile driver was so loud I didn't even want to take my hands off of my ears to raise my glasses.  I did it anyway.  Game Over.  Glasses up.  Even my rod deprived eyes needed a minute to adjust to the bright day light.  As I stood there I witnessed all the construction workers near me wearing ear protection.  I also saw how much of the sidewalk was closed off with caution tape and fencing.   Penny and I made our way past the construction site and several blocks away from the noise so we could chat.  Penny asked me what I would have done if I didn't have the option to raise my glasses and the answer was easy.  I would have turned around before the construction site, walked several blocks away and gone down to Pike Place Market on a parallel street.  That solution reflected much of what a visually impaired person life could be like traveling.  We can do everything a fully sighted person can, it normally just takes us longer.
     Penny and I agreed I had done a lot over the day and it was time to enjoy Pike Place Market and grab some lunch.  We were in an area that was mostly unfamiliar to me and full of natives and tourists.  She and I both knew I could learn to navigate around downtown Seattle if I had too, but that was a lesson for another time.  I came to Seattle to show off what I learned over the past year and Penny thought I had accomplished that goal.  I respected Penny as a teacher and a human and her approval of my mobility skills meant so much to me.  When she first met me I used an Identification cane to let people know they needed to get out of my way, but my cane provided no information.  One year later I was mostly taking Penny around parts of Seattle with my blind glasses on.  It felt great!
    Penny and I had a great lunch at the Pike Place Brewery and we talked about our last year together and what the future held for both of us.  Penny is a rare breed.  She is competent at her work, she is competent as a friend, she can be tough, she can be compassionate but most of all she cares about people.  She looks for the good in people, brings the good out in people and she conducts herself with class and grace.  Penny is the epitome of solidness.  I not only had a kick ass mobility teacher but I also got a kick ass friend for life out of this training.
        I don't like to say it's darkness when describing getting around at night or if I'm navigating with my fully occluded glasses on.  Darkness seems to have too many negative connotations for me.  Darkness can be seen as scary or evil.  I tend to think of spaces with no light as black.  Pitch Black.  I guess I don't get that saying either since I have about 60 million less Rods than people with fully functioning Retinas.  I don't have all the shades of gray most people see at night. In the absence of street lights or headlamps it is black to me.  No light.  Nada.  So I describe being blind at night or with my blind glasses on as seeing black.  Black is the absence of light.  But here is where it gets tricky.  Through all of my mobility training in the black I never once said my experience was bad.  My experience was different.  It was not less enjoyable.  I have a fond memories of traveling with no vision.  It was rich.  It was full.  It could even be amazing.  Life blind is still full of light for me.  I can be happy.  I can be fulfilled.  I can even have visual memories where all I see is black.  9 years ago my counselor Brian Kennedy pushed me to find out how awful life would be blind.  Brian encouraged me to interview people who went blind to see how their lives were going.  Through those interviews I found out their lives were full of joy.  Brian opened a door for me and I walked through that door and I never looked back.  I have chosen to go to those scary places inside of me that painted a future of doom and gloom.  I challenged those dark parts of me by uncovering what scared me most.  I interviewed blind people to learn about their lives, I learned to use a mobility cane 'blind', I've learned some echolocation and now I'm learning braille.  When I freak out about losing my hearing because I clearly need to have something to worry about and I took being worried about going blind off my list Brian reminds me of why I do that to myself.  I do it because I want a high quality life.  I don't want to be a person who is shackled to his living room couch.  I want to be independent.  I want to ride my bike, I want to travel, I want to play sports, I want to hike, I want to kayak and I want to surf.  I will always have some worry in life and I will do my best to not let the worry hold me hostage from doing what I want to do.  Life can be tough and life can be amazingly wonderful.  All of us have or will encounter major obstacles in our life time and the people who overcome those obstacles are my hero's.  They provide me inspiration on a daily basis.  I seek them out and I make sure to let them know how much they mean to me.  I get scared.  I get angry.  I get tired.  I get depressed and I can get overwhelmed.  I let myself be all of those emotions but I always come back to happy.  At my core or my true self is happy and fun.  I want to enjoy life and to have fun.  There are so many wonderful people in my life that help me get back to being my true self and I will always be grateful to all of you.  You have made my life beautiful and one I would never trade.  Thank you.  I love you all.
   

My amazing family- Kiirsten, Sierra, Acadia and Ian have brought so my joy, love and support to my life! Thank YOU!

Driving Blind

     

    During our rest day this year of Cycle Oregon, Kiirsten and I walked down the hill into the historic downtown of Madras.  We apprehensively opened the big wood door of the Rialto Tavern based on our buddy Dan Donahue's advice.  The place looked pretty scary from the outside.  No windows.  Big Ol' Wood door.  My mind quickly pictured a run down dirty dive filled with bikers who hated cyclists.  Especially cyclists in lycra.  I swung the heavy door open and we both were pleasantly surprised to find a big empty bar that was well lit.  We made our way over to the bar and saddled up next to Dan, who was working on a pint.  KK and I were both ready for a rest day beer and promptly ordered.  The bartender looked us over and then asked for our ID's.  Its always great to get carded when you are over 40 so I happily gave her my ID.  She handed mine back and quipped that she could refuse service to me.  I was shocked.  The barkeep could tell I was taken back.  She smiled and said my license had expired in July.  My initial hopes of being accused of a minor using a fake ID were quickly dashed.  I'm a rules follower and I hated having an expired drivers license.  Kinda funny a legally blind guy who hadn't driven in over 9 years was bummed to not have a valid drivers license. 
     If I had lived in Oregon I would have had my license taken away because of my vision 20 years ago.  If I had lived in Europe I would have never had an opportunity to drive with my eye disease, Retinitis Pigmentosa.  9 years ago when I became legally blind I went to turn in my drivers license and obtain a state ID card.  The DMV told me at the time that if I could pass the eye test the state couldn't legally revoke my driving privileges. Heck, they even said they had 'people like me' driving everyday and since I was disabled they would pay to have me retested and given a limited drivers license.   That made no sense to me.  I couldn't imagine what a limited drivers license would look like.  The hardest place for me to drive was in parking lots where people are usually randomly walking all over the place.  Where they gonna not let me drive in parking lots but everywhere else would be ok?  The DMV employee explained that WA state would allow me to drive to work and to go shopping.  He encouraged me to think about it before I chose to voluntarily turn in my license and maybe discuss further with my Doctor.  I left still thinking they were insane and followed up with my Doctor.  My Doctor's advice was the same as when he determined I was legally blind.  He asked me how I would know when it was time to stop driving.  My answer was the same.  I didn't want to end my driving career by killing or injuring someone.  I planned on living a lot longer and I didn't want the death or injury of someone hanging over me the rest of my life.  It was a devastating life change to stop driving but it was also easy to hand over my keys under the context of possibly killing someone while driving.  I continued to keep my drivers license on each renewal by mail (no eye test) and I also continued to not drive.
    After returning from Cycle Oregon I went to the DMV online to renew my license like I had done in the past and I was denied.  I found out I could only renew my license online once every 8 years.  This time I would have to go in to take an eye exam.  Since becoming legally blind I'd had no plans to ever drive again but there was something nice about having a drivers license.  Maybe I liked having it just in case of an emergency.  Or maybe in some way having a drivers license helped keep my eyes from dying.  Once we determine we have no use for something anymore, that something goes away.  I didn't want my eyes to go away.  I know this is a stretch but my brain is good at stretching out scenarios in many different ways.  Sometimes for healthy reasons and sometimes to add worry to my life.  
    After some thought I decided to find my letter from Dr. Weleber stating I became legally blind on Friday, March 11, 2005 and head into the DMW to obtain my State ID card.  And that thought was quickly followed by another thought.  a crazy thought.  I waited until my wife got home from coaching and I shared my idea with her.  What if I bust through the DMV door with my cane a swinging and ask for a renewal of my driver's license?  Surely they couldn't give a drivers license to a guy with an obvious visual impairment using a mobility cane. That would be insane!  But it could also make for a funny story if I some how pulled it off.  My wife flashed that twinkle in her eye and her devilish grin and said,"that would be awesome!".  That is all I needed to hear.  Decision made.  I would try and renew my license as a legally blind man with a cane.
     I was late to catch a bus from work on my lunch hour to renew my license so I grabbed my cane and headed out at a brisk pace.  I rounded the corner from my office with eyes focused down the long hallway and WHAM!  I totally nailed a mop bucket right in front of the elevators!  My foot literally landed directly in the mop bucket before I knocked it over.  With adrendalin pouring out of my ears and water pouring down the elevator shaft I quickly searched for a mop to stop the gushing water.  I didn't see a mop so I jogged down the hall looking for a mop in maintenance.  No mops!  Only Environmental Services (EVS) had mops.  Crap!  I jogged back to my office and called the power plant to make sure the elevators were not going to be ruined by the 5 gallons of water running down the shaft.  While Ed assured me the water would not damage the elevators I could now hear a EVS guy in the hallway going ballistic.  He was yelling up and down the hallway looking for the jerk who knocked over his bucket.  I quickly ended my phone call and headed out to the hallway to let the cleaner know I was the jerk who messed up his afternoon.  After he realized who did it, he felt terrible and made sure I was ok.  I was ok.  I had a wet pant leg and a shoe filled with dirty soapy mop water and I was late to catch my bus, but I was physically fine.  I saw the irony of the moment.  How couldn't I?  I was a legally blind man who just knocked over a bright yellow mop bucket in the middle of a hallway while I was headed to renew my driver's license.  How funny is that?
    I made it to the DMV office after traveling by bus and was ready for the show.  I headed through the glass door vestibule and into the large open room.  I saw a board that displayed numbers so I knew I had to get a ticket to keep my spot in line.  While searching for the ticket dispenser a staff member directed me back to the front counter.  I searched for a while longer with no luck and finally the same staffer told me to wait in line and he would check me in.  The man was clearly treating me as blind or visually impaired person.  When it was my turn, the employee asked me why I was there and I answered with a big smile,"I'm here to renew my license or get a state ID card".  He gave me a number and I found my way to an open seat with the use of my cane.  After a brief wait my number came up on the big screen and also echoed through the room on the overhead speakers.  As I made my way to the back of the room my cane saved me from walking into a row of chairs that I did not see.  I could feel the glares from the seated people waiting for the next available booth.  I'm sure some were even scratching their heads.  The employee at the booth asked me how she could help me and again I answered,"I'm here to renew my license or get a state ID card".  She didn't even flinch.  She asked me if I had any limitations that could effect or impair my driving like seizures, strokes, heart ailments or disabilities.  I told her I was legally blind and asked if that counted as a disability with a snarky grin on my face.  I gave her the background of doing this 9 years ago and passing the eye test.  She assured me that if I passed the eye test that I would receive a new license.  I promptly followed that statement with,"Well then, Let's Do This!".  I easily passed the eye test.  I read the letters with ease, found the red ball in the rectangle and even saw the flashing white light in my periphery.  My tiny island of vision in my periphery must have lined up nicely with the flashing white light.  So, that was it.  I was bonafide.  Legit.  Another driver ready to hit the road!  She sent me up to the front counter to get my picture taken.  I made my way up to the counter with my cane a swinging side to side and proudly had my picture taken WITH my cane.  I normally don't smile for my driver's license picture but I was giddy.  I couldn't wait to tell my friends and family about this one.
    Sometimes life can be funny while witnessing incompetence.  Better to laugh it off then get angry.  Why have someone else's incompetence ruin your day?  I could laugh at this because I know I'm not going to drive.  But what about the people out there who are legally blind and who ARE going to drive?  Now that is scary!  I was hit by a 84 yr old man while riding my bike home from work in 2008 who had 200 yards to see me.  No obstructions.  Sunny day.  He had no idea I existed until my helmet was touching his windshield.  Luckily I escaped with no major injuries but I did have a couple of Physical Therapy appointment and I missed out on a pack trip to my favorite place on the planet.  Ol' Elmer Fristoe clearly should not have been driving.  In my interactions with the State of Washington Department of Motor Vehicles it is clear to me that they want people on the road.  The DMV wants people to keep their independence.  It almost feels like the DMV is treating driving as a right rather than a privilege.  Washington State's protocol for obtaining a driver's license is criminal.  How can someone like me obtain a license?  How about asking me if I have a visually impairment?  How about requiring me to show a letter from a doctor that says I am visually fit to operate a motor vehicle?  My doctor would NEVER do that for me.
     After this experience I almost feel obligated to change the laws regarding how someone becomes approved to drive a vehicle in the state of Washington.  I am still a cyclist.  I am a pedestrian.  I am visually impaired.  I do not want people like me driving.  My question to you is how do I get the process changed?  Do I write a letter to the DMV?  Do I contact a news agency and share my story?  I would really appreciate your thoughts.  I hope this story made you chuckle and are thankful I'm not driving a 5 ton rig every day.  Thanks for reading and for the suggestions!

Cobblestones & Canes & being Royal

 

    
    Traveling.  I love to travel.  I love to see new places.  See different cultures.  Try new foods.  Drink different beers.  I owe my love of traveling to my parents.  We were fortunate enough to go across country twice when I was in elementary school.  Those trips opened up so many new worlds to me and I think it's a big reason I now live in the Great Pacific Northwest.

    I made my first trip over the pond in late 2008.  My good friend Thor Petersen and I left Seattle on the Winter Solstice and landed in Copenhagen.  I had a bucket list item to skate the canals of Amsterdam and 
my dream almost came true.  The canals had not frozen over in 13 years but that drought ended!  Unfortunately I missed the frozen canals by 2 days.  I did end up skating on an outdoor Olympic rink and gave my skates to a big tall young man with large feet (mine are size 15).  It was a great memory and a great trip!  Denmark, the Netherlands, Belgium and France.  The cold snap lasted the entire trip and it was dark by 5pm every night.  I had a blast traveling with Thor and the memories from that trip are still very active in my mind.

My good friend Thor!

Skating in Amsterdam!

    When I traveled to Europe the 1st time, I was legally blind and I used a 42'' tall I.D. cane.  This cane is exactly what you think.  Its an identification cane so people know I have trouble seeing and they should get out of my way!  I had no cane skills so the cane provided no information of my surroundings.  Thor was a big help while we navigated around areas that were unfamiliar to me.  Thor prevented me from walking into bollards, drifting into bike paths and falling down basement stairs that jutted into sidewalks.  I was surprised by how many people paid no attention to my cane.  I couldn't figure out if it was tourists not paying attention or people in Europe not used to seeing people with canes.  Regardless, the trip was successful from the standpoint of being visually impaired.  No injuries.  No deaths.  No major embarrassing moments.

Me with my 42" I.D. Cane!

    
    6 years later I was ready for my 2nd trip to Europe.  This time with my wife Kiirsten, her son Ian (15) and my two daughters Acadia (14) and Sierra (11).  Same duration as my 1st trip (2 weeks) but we were going to land near the Summer Solstice.  4 days London, 4 days Paris, 4 days Berlin and 2 days Copenhagen.  3 train rides totaling 17 hours.  Travel through the Chunnel.  Time in the countryside near London and Paris.  Pearl Jam in Berlin at an outdoor amphitheater and a train ride that actually went on a ferry across the Baltic Sea!  We had everything booked and we were excited to go!  As the trip got closer I periodically wondered what Europe would be like this time with less vision.  I had cane skills and a longer cane now, so I was interested in comparing the 2 trips.   I wasn't nervous.  I can thank my Mobility Instructor Penny Armstrong for that!  I had confidence in my cane skills.  I knew I could get around by myself and if I couldn't, I would ask for help.

My Rock Star Teacher Penny!  She has given me so many tools for more independence!

   Boom!  Just like that, we were walking the streets of London!  Good Day!  Jolly Well!  Fair Enough!  Brilliant!  Listening to people talk in England was fantastic!  I was so jealous of there accent.  Everything sounded better with a British accent!  We navigated the tube (inner city trains).  We walked the streets.  We had no idea what side of the sidewalk to walk on.  You drive on the left in london, so do you walk on the left? Nope.  People walked where ever they wanted.  There was no pattern.  I never got used to car travel being opposite than the U.S.  Crossing streets was confusing.  London was nice enough to write on the pavement at intersections, 'look left' or 'look right'.  My cane was already proving its worth.  I didn't walk into bollards or signs.  People generally got out of my way.  I didn't fall off curbs.  I found crosswalks easily because of the plastic rumble strip located right before you crossed a street.  I would walk out in front of my family at times.  I would charge along at a good pace.

Headed to our Hotel!

Downtown London viewed from the Eye!

    Early into our trip I would meet my biggest challenge.  I didn't know it at the time and maybe that was good to not know what I was in for.  Cobblestones.  I love cobblestones.  They look amazing on narrow streets surrounded by 500 year old homes clad in stone and iron.  The different textures, sizes, shapes and colors make for great eye candy, but cobblestones and canes don't mix.  My cane tip would dig into the joint between stones and stop me in my tracks.  I would sometimes be lifted off the ground like a fledgling pole vaulter.  My graphite cane would bend like I had a 100lb fish on the other end as the golf grip cane handle dug into my lower abdomen.  It hurt.  It was startling.  I shook it off and continued on my way.  It reminded me of jacking my shins through the years on coffee tables, dishwasher doors open, and low fences.  I've had a constant array of bruises on my shins for years.  I willwhack my shins on something and keep walking like nothing happened.  Its like stubbing your toe.  You know the pain will subside in several minutes.  I have a strong urge to litter the room with profanity but I usually stay silent.  I'm not going to let that object win.  That's what I thought about cobblestones.  

My Teacher in Patience.  Cobblestones.

Pretty Cobblestones. 

    We moved onto Paris with the help of a high speed Eurostar Train.  186 mph is insanely fast, especially without a seat belt!  I have a special place in my heart for Paris.  The people, the language, the architecture.  I can't find a more magnificent church than Notre Dame.  We had a blast roaming the streets of Paris over the next several days.  We tore up that city!  Paris was much the same as London in terms of mobility for me.  It was nice to have the cars driving on the 'right' side of the road.  We of course encountered lots of cobblestones.  Cobblestones would win.  A lot.  I would even stop using my cane sometimes to avoid being stabbed by my cane.  Not an optimum solution but I needed a break.  I tried a marshmallow roller tip on my cane that helped.  It was a much bigger tip which made it harder to get stuck in the 1/2" grooves, but it was heavier and my hand got tired more easily swinging it from side to side.  The cobblestones could also have a 1/2'' variant in height between stones so even the bigger tip would still get hung up.  I tried the marshmallow tip for a day but went back to the lighter tip.    
   

Notre Dame

My Ceramic Tip vs the Marshmallow Roller Tip

    Have you ever been treated like Royalty?  Maybe you rented a Limo one time.  Maybe your company scored an executive suite at a sporting event.  Or maybe you got upgraded to First Class on a plane for free. It can be awesome.  To be waited on.  To feel rich or royal even if it's just for a short time can make for a story worth repeating.  No one told me becoming legally blind included a celebrity card.  I generally get my whole family to the shortest line at airport security checkpoints.  We can board the plane first.  I get seats offered to me on packed buses and trains.  I get special (close to my seat) bathrooms at concerts.  People are constantly offering to help me get somewhere in a city.  I get offered elevators in lieu of stairs.  I get discounts on tickets.  I get a life time pass to national parks for free.  I get a lifetime handicap parking placard.  What's not to love about that?  I should be thrilled and sometimes I am.  I know my family likes not waiting in a 2 hour security line.  I'm fairly certain we would have missed our flight in Seattle if we had not received preferential treatment because of Ol' Blindy.  I try to graciously accept people helping me.  I know they are doing it because they care, but it can really grind on me.  It really feels like I have a Big Scarlet Letter on my chest.  Blind people are not necessarily lazy.  I don't need to take an elevator instead of stairs and I don't need your seat on the bus.  When people feel pity for you it can suck.  I don't want someone feeling sorry for me or treating me like I'm weak and helpless.  I know I can do that to other people with disabilities.  I can feel sorry for them.  I know its human nature.  I usually want to be left alone.  I want to go unnoticed.  Probably much like a celebrity feels.  There was a 2-3 hour line to get into Versailles.  A huge snaking line of people probably 300 feet long.  There was no way we were waiting in 85 degree heat to see Versailles.  Kiirsten checked in with an attendant and 3 minutes later all 5 of us were entering Versailles.  No charge.  No wait.  How do I reconcile that?  Heck ya I want to see Versailles with no wait but I also wan to be left alone most of the time.  People stare at you.  Constantly.  They bend their necks around so much I worry their necks may snap.  Our trip was filled with no line waiting, discounts, people staring, and people offering help.  I haven't mastered how to always accept help graciously or turn down help respectfully or even educate someone that NOT all people with a cane are totally blind.  Most of the world has two types of people in regards to eye balls.  People who can see and people who are blind. It is my understanding that 80% of the 'blind' community have some vision.   I work hard on trying to take all of the attention and offers as a form of love.  It's good for me.  It makes me a better person.  As we rolled into a new venue without paying or waiting my kids would lean in, hug me and say, "thanks for being blind Dad".  My pleasure.  

Please give me your seat! I'm Blind!!

Blind people this way!

    As the trip rolled onto Berlin I was able to evaluate how things were going for me.  My family was helpful and loving towards me and I know they struggled when they saw me struggle.  Discounts, no lines, people staring, and new obstacles in every city was wearing on me.  I have always thought of a trip as a mini life.  You tend to deal with all of the things that happen over a life time in a vacation.  You have joy, heartache, accidents, wonderful moments, and constant new situations.  It can be an emotional roller coaster.  It's not normal everyday life.  It's not routine.  I was really starting to notice I was gearing up for each day.  I had to mentally prepare for the day before we left the hotel.  Walking on different terrain, going to different places, dealing with different transit systems.  I wasn't upset but I could tell there was mental energy needed to stay focused so I would stay upright and in one piece. 

    Kiirsten found a free walking tour in Berlin.  It looked fun.  Berlin was full of history and we were all excited to learn more about this great city.  We had a wonderful lunch near the holocaust monument (incredibly powerful monument) and headed over to the Starbucks next to the Brandenburg Gate to meet our tour guide.  Rob McCracken from England was our spunky guide for the afternoon.  There was probably 25 people in our group and we were off.  I stayed near the back because it was hard to walk in a pack.  The group walked briskly and Rob liked to jay walk.  We found plenty of cobblestones and metal grates.  I had had enough.  I wanted to be in a bar with a tall glass of German beer.  I wanted to sit down.  I wanted to be in a kayak on the Spree river.  I was done.  Kiirsten was worried about me.  I'm sure the kids could tell something was wrong.  And there was the rub.  I love my family.  I want them to have a great time, even if I can't do something because of my vision.  All of them having a great time makes me happy.  That is hard to achieve because my family cares about me.  If I struggle, they struggle.  That reality was right up in my grill.  I wanted to struggle by myself.  I wanted to struggle unnoticed.  When you are surrounded by people who love you that is not an option.  It sucked. I felt claustrophobic.  I felt trapped.  It was my perception and my fault for feeling this way.  My family would have gladly left the tour to help me out but I was not ok with that option.  I would have felt like I ruined the afternoon.  I wanted to break my cane into a million pieces.  I envisioned myself smashing my cane on the cobblestones until only tiny shards of graphite remained.  I wanted to yell.  I wanted to explode with f-bombs.  None of that happened.  My face and body language told the story but my lips stayed closed.  I felt bad that I cracked.  I'm sorry my family had to witness my struggles.  I know I should give myself more space to feel what I felt but that didn't happen. 

Berlin was gorgeous!!!!!

And of course it provided many obstacles for my cane!

Another great example of something that is beautiful and a nightmare for a person with a cane! My cane tip would fit perfect in the manhole cover holes! 

Taking a break from the Cobblestones with Cadie's help!

    The next morning over coffee at our favorite little bakery down the street from our hotel I opened the gates.  I broke down.  I cried.  My voice trembled.  I was pissed and crying.  Kiirsten just listened.  She has always been so supportive of me in these moments.  She usually encourages me to be more angry.  She knows I'm going to have hard moments with my vision loss.  I'm an extrovert so I can only carry my feelings around for so long until it has to come out.  I let out all my feelings over coffee.  Nothing was fixed or solved.  You can't fix it and that's ok.  I was empty in my head and ready to carry on. 

    I went back to the heavier bigger marshmallow roller tip for the rest of the trip and it really helped.  I dealt with the bigger load on my wrists and it was worth it.  I still got hung up on cobblestones but it happened much less.  A fun highlight was finding blind trails.  As the trip rolled on I would find more trails.  Train stations in France, Germany and Demark had blind trails and I even found trails in the streets of Copenhagen.  The trails were awesome!  Just feeling the trail under my feet made me smile wide! While we waited for trains I would wander around the station on the trails like a 4 yr old would investigate new places.  The blind trails were a raised pattern of bumps about 18'' wide.  In  Train stations the trails would lead you to bathrooms, elevators or ticket counters.  On the street they would help you navigate through a city.  Blind Trails (my name for them) for Visually Impaired or Blind People were like Bike Corridors for cyclists.  I also relied on my family more for help at times.  Kiirsten was taught how to be a human guide from my mobility instructor Penny and we taught the girls how to do it.  Sierra, Cadie and Kiirsten led me all through Versailles and all of them took turns through out the rest of the trip.  It was really helpful and gave me a break.  I think they all enjoyed helping me too.   If I let my guard down and accept help there are little nuggets of goodness waiting for me.  It's always a balancing act.  I want to be independent but I also need to accept love and help from people.  I know I want to do the same for others. 

Blind Trails Rocked!  This was in a train station.

My favorite Blind Trail in Copenhagen!  It was beautiful and really fun/effective to walk on!

Ol' Blindy walking next to the Blind Trail!

Gard de L'est Train Station, Paris!

    
    Our European Family Vacation was Epic.  It was life changing.  We had highlights.  We had lowlights.  We all became closer to each other as a blended family.  We are labeled a blended family by society but to me Kiirsten, Ian, Cadie and Sierra are just my family.  Our trip could be explained with 7 words.  The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.  We experienced it all.  It was mostly awesome with some rough spots.  Its how I hope my whole life goes.  We all get served rough spots.  What do we learn from the storms in life and how do we handle ourselves during those tough moments is what I care about.  Its what I focus on.  I'm gonna break down again.  I may even smash my cane some day, but I'm gonna keep getting back up.  Life is an incredible ride and I couldn't be happier with how my life has turned out so far.  

   I will end this story with pictures that I think capture the essence of our trip.  Love.  Compassion.  Laughter.  Empathy.  Joy.  Family.  Forever.  

My Family! If you told me 8 years ago this would be my life, I wouldn't have believed you!

My girls.  They don't always get along but I hope deep down inside they love each other. 

Kiirsten and Cadie bonding!

Cadie and Ian bonding!  Or should I say Cadie is harassing Ian!  

Dinner with the fam bam!

I feel so much love from my daughters!  They do a wonderful job of looking out for me!

Family Selfie! I guess we should practice some more!

Family Selfie! We got it right this time!

So proud of my 14 year old daughter Cadie!

KK and Ian in Copenhagen!

Sierra, KK and Ian headed out to a palace in Berlin for the afternoon while Cadie and I check out more of downtown Berlin!

Ian is growing up into a wonderful young man and I feel so blessed to have him as a step son.

Sierra giving her Dad some love!

Thanks SO much for taking time to read this!  I hope you enjoyed it and maybe even learned something about the diverse world of visually impaired people!

Top 10 Musings from our Family Trip to Europe

I thought I would take some time and jot down a few observations we made during our 2 week trip in Europe (England, France, Germany, Denmark).  I can't help but think of John Travolta's line in Pulp Fiction when describing his time over the pond to Samuel L. Jackson...."it's the little things".  I will also write a blog on what it's like to travel through Europe as a visually impaired fellow but that will come later. 

1.  All of the French Fries we had in all four countries were ALL better than anything we had in the states.  

2.  All of the prices in Denmark are whole numbers.  You feel rich when dealing with Denmark currency because 100 Krone's = 1 dollar.  Nothing is 25.90.

3.  Normally people walk on sidewalks the way they drive.  If you drive on the right, you walk on the right.  I thought people would walk on the left in London but I was wrong.  They walk on the right, left and right down the middle.  

4.  Apparently there is no code that requires a drinking fountain to be located near bathrooms in public spaces.  I couldn't find one.  ever.  

5.  I have a very special place in my heart for Paris.  The architecture, the people and the language itself create this warm, elegant and romantic vibe.  But my memory of Paris (in the summer) will always conjure a dual reaction.  One of love and mild gagging.  I have read that smell is the #1 memory activator and I believe that to be true.  Paris in the summer generally smells like PISS.  Serious PISS.  PISS everywhere.  The smell of piss was so strong at Sacre Coeur (one of the highest spots in the city) that it was all I could do to not puke.  Wafting Piss smell all over the city.  People pissing all over the city.  People pissing in the subways.  People pissing on buildings.  People pissing in the bushes.  It was remarkable.  

6.  I was not aware of this accepted way of doing business but apparently you have to ask for your check in Europe.  We never had our check brought to us, even after a huge dinner, multiple drinks and dessert.  It wasn't a big deal but it made no sense to me.  Maybe people just keep drinking and eating all night in Europe.  

7.  Drinking of alcohol everywhere.  I mean everywhere.  I learned that it was not legal to drink with an open container in the countries we visited but it was not enforced.  People drank walking down the street.  They drank on the trains and buses.  They drank while they waited for trains.  These were professionals,  young and old, male and female.  didn't matter.  It was pretty cool. : )

8.  I'm not sure what the policy is at sporting events but I was blown away at what happened at the Pearl Jam show.  All of the vendors were still serving food and beer near the end of the 3 hour concert.  In fact it looked like all of the vendors had no intention of closing down anytime soon after the show.  The venue was still fairly packed after the concert with the beer flowing.  It was bizarre.  Loud, drunk people whooping it up everywhere as we made our way to the train.  Maybe it's fine because hardly anyone drives but you would never see that in America.  

9.  Europe has adopted the same No Smoking Policy as the US has with one major exception.  If you are outside in a public space (restaurant, train station platform, or concert) all bets are off.  It was insane.  Cigarette smoke attacking your face while you are eating dinner can be a real turn off.  It felt like there were more smokers in Europe but it may have just been smokers were allowed to smoke around us in more areas.  The Pearl Jam show was the pinnacle of smoke.  I felt like I was surrounded by chain smokers for the entire show.  We had great seats and I was extremely close to moving to terrible seats (no one was sitting there) just so I could get a break from the smoke.  It literally felt like someone was constantly blowing smoke directly up my nostrils.  I don't remember being in an outside venue and having all of my clothing smell like an ashtray afterwards.  It was really awful.  My beautiful wife (who has asthma) insisted we muscle through it and not let it ruin the Pearl Jam show.  She was right and we did.  

10.  The energy consciousness of Europe was so enjoyable.  It's just a way of life there.  You ride the bus or train.  You ride a bike.  You walk.  Occupancy Sensors everywhere.  The lights in hallways turn off if no one is there.  The escalator turns off when no one is using it.  The lights in your hotel room will not turn on until you put your room key in a slot near the door.  All of the toilets are dual flush (a button for #1 and #2).  Windmills everywhere.  Solar Panels on rooftops.  Heck, our Ferry was a hybrid ferry (diesel and electric).  No air conditioning in the rooms (this could be painful during a heatwave).  Smart cars were like mosquito's.  Carbon Neutral advertising could be found on packaging and buses.  What Europe proves is that you can reduce your ecological footprint and still have a high quality of life. 

Being a Freak

     

    We have all been that person at some point of our lives.  The kid who is not normal.  The kid who stands out.  Even the young or middle aged adult who doesn't fit in.  Maybe it's only for an afternoon.  Maybe you decided to try a new sport at age 40.  Maybe you are just being yourself.  Comfortable in your own skin and yet kids tended to pick on you.  Single you out.  It hurts.  It can be humiliating.  It can be confusing.

   I was that kid.  I remember distinctly going to kindergarten and being picked on for how I acted, for what I was wearing or for the music I listened too.  It was shocking at first.   Me? Why don't you like me?  I thought I was cool.  I was into sports.  I was friendly.  I liked to have fun.   Of course it wasn't everyone at school, but the kids who singled me out made a lasting impression on me.   I have been fortunate enough to have an incredible network of friends and family in my life now that loves me just the way I am.  It is a wonderful feeling to be loved for all of your imperfections along with the more likable traits we all have. I was 21 years old when I found my first Best Friend in life.  There were several people along the way that I trusted with that status but got burned badly.  Trusting someone and then having them break that trust is a very painful way to learn a lesson.  It changes you.  I became more closed off to people through my adolescent years.  More protective.  I'm an extrovert, so I was still out there in the world, but I thought of most people as acquaintances, not friends.  I would hang out with them but I would keep personal thoughts or to myself.  I always had my guard up.   Only my parents would knew the real me.  They knew my fears and worries.  I could always count on them.  They were my rock.  I have thanked my parents many a times for their help in getting me through Junior High and High School.  It sucked at times.  Being physically bullied.  Being verbally abused.  It was always only a few people but they made their point.   My parents would explain these people’s actions as jealousy or insecurities.  Their explanations made sense, but this knowledge had no immediate impact on my life.  Someday these people would not be in my life anymore.  I got that, but I wanted it to go away now.  I wanted to be accepted and liked now.  I wanted the focus on me not being 'cool' to go away.

Glenn and me going across country. 1977.

     There were lessons to be learned from all this.  Adversity always provides enlightenment if you look for it.  It can be hard as hell to make it through tough times. Knowing you will grow as a person from adversity doesn't make it any easy to get through.  Understanding how it felt to be picked on made me have more compassion for others.  I was an older brother.  I was not always a good older brother.  I used my size and strength to dominate my younger brother.  I was a controller.  My mom would often say, “You are the only voice I can hear on the street" while we were playing outside.  I dictated how sports were played.  I lawyered my way through discussions with the kids in our neighborhood and with my parents.  I could be a bully.  The very same guy who I despised growing up.  As I grew older and went through more situations of being picked on I matured as a person.  Hopefully I was seen as a more caring person.  I definitely had to apologize to my brother Glenn.  I'm not proud of how I sometimes treated Glenn.  I think he has accepted my apologies.  I know those moments for him will never totally go away and that is what I'm most sorry about.  Glenn was a great brother to grow up with.  He was funny.  He loved sports liked I did.  He wasn't mean.  He didn't play the little brother card with our parents to unfairly get me in trouble.  I'm very close to my brother now and I have some of life's hard lessons to thank for that.

Glenn and I playing football in the backyard.  Yup, I was a bully.

     All of these memories have been brought up for me lately as I navigate through life as a legally blind adult.  So much of my acceptance of my eyes has been extremely positive.  In many ways a gift.  My eyes have clearly made me a much better person.  Anyone who knows me would agree.   My life is not ruined with diminished eye sight.  I still get to do everything I've always done except drive a car.  I'm not less happy now.  I'm not more depressed with each passing day, but I do get tired of being a Freak.

   Learning to use a cane has mostly been wonderful.  It has given me great confidence to get around in any condition.  My cane has been especially helpful in new areas and at night anywhere.  I'm still a relative newbie at navigating with a cane, but I'm really getting use to it.  So use to it, in some ways it bothers me.  I feel a bit naked without my cane now.  I didn't feel that way 6 months ago.  Am I relying on my cane so much that I have given permission to my retinas to die faster?  That thought scares me.  I feel like I am in a constant battle of accepting my declining vision and holding onto the vision I have left.  It's a battle that can really weigh on me.  I have actually thought recently of wearing my blind glasses (fully occluded) while getting around because in some ways it’s less stressful to not see.   If I can 'see' it’s harder to gather all the information from my surroundings through my other senses.  My eyes just aren't as trustworthy as they use to be.  I'm learning to decipher the information from my eyes, cane, and my ears all at the same time, but there is a tendency to only interpret what my eyes see.  That sure sounds a lot like giving up.  Hell, it sounds insane, doesn't it?  A guy with vision is purposely occluding his vision to help him get around?  My new hero is Charlotte Brown and as you can see in the video below, not only is she a legally blind pole vaulter, but she walks around with much less vision than me and she doesn't even use a cane!  What I am I thinking?  Welcome to the exciting and sometimes not rational world inside my head.

Check out my new Hero, Charlotte Brown:    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDY5eKfh4Sw

    However I decide to get around in this world or come to grips with the loss of my vision, it won't exonerate me from being seen as different.  Not normal.  A Freak.  Someone to feel sorry for.  Someone to stare at.  I'm guessing 90% of people who see me in public stare at me.  I'm sure they stare at me for all kinds of reasons.  I too stare at people who are different.  I can feel sorry for people who have a physical or mental handicap.  I stare at someone who looks different.  Wears different clothes, hair colors, haircuts, piercings, tattoos, and shoes.  I'm not discriminatory.  I will stare at anyone who stands out.  Don't get me wrong.  I’m all for it.  I am an artist at heart.  I love people being expressing themselves.  I tell my girls all the time that hair is a renewable resource, so cut it however you want.  I wear ear rings.  I love glitter.  Burning Man looks like a hoot.  Let your freak flag fly! But it's nice deciding when that happens.  I don't dress like that at work.  I don't always wear glitter.  Sometimes I don't want to stick out.  That is why I can struggle with using a cane.

   When I use my cane I am basically wearing a huge scarlet letter.  People do everything they can to get out of my way.  They jump off the sidewalk.  They yell at their kids to get out of the way.  They freeze behind light poles hoping I will miss them.  They verbally let me know they are behind me.  What is that?  Why would someone tell a blind person they are behind them?  Are blind people more apt to suddenly back up while walking down a street?  Do sighted humans have eyes in the back of head and therefore don't need a warning that people are coming up from behind?  I thought teachers were the only humans that had eyes in the back of their head.  It can be hilarious if I choose to laugh at the situation but sometimes it can be draining.  Yes I'm an extrovert but that doesn't mean I always want to be the center of attention.  I think this is why my childhood memories have been in the front of my mind lately.  What I am describing in many ways is totally different then being picked on as a kid.  The kids who singled me out wanted to hurt me.  The people I meet in public most of the time don't want to hurt me.  It's the complete opposite.  They want to help me.  I am sincerely thankful for those people.   There are so many loving and caring people out there who want to help others.  I usually just want to be left alone.  I like being lost in the crowd.  Not noticed.  Competent to get around myself.  Independent.  I sometimes squirm when someone takes the time to tell me everything on the buffet line or who offers to walk me to my bus.  How do I handle that?  Tell them I can partially see?  I sometimes do and of course that makes them scratch their head.  I'm sure there all kinds of ways to deal with these issues but sometimes I don't want to. I realize that many of the same feelings I had as kid while being picked on has come up while using my cane.  It can be humiliating to be helped.  I can feel insecure when people are staring at me or treating me like I'm contagious with some deadly virus.  I just want to fit in.  Not be a walking car wreck.  Not a one man freak show. 

  I'm curious how I land in this post.  Is this subject best left for my counselor to hear?  Do you come away with Keith playing the 'poor me' card?  I hope not.  My hope is for my blog entries to help people see the world a little differently.  Maybe the only thing people get out of my blog is there are many levels of vision out there and just because a person uses a cane, they are not completely blind.  That would be a fabulous outcome of my blog.

  This is just another snippet of my life as a visually impaired man.  I spend many days walking around not thinking about anything I wrote above.  Then there are days where I would love to fit in.  Life is a roller coaster.  I'm learning this day by day.  I get frustrated.  I get inspired.  I get angry.  I get happy.  I get tired. I get sad.  And no matter what knocks me down I will always do my best to get up.  Life is way too wonderful to not keep trying.